Ask MrMartha...Some Wedding Conundrums

Dear MrMartha,
I enjoyed your post of the vintage wedding gown sketch. I have my own wedding coming up later this year, and am thinking about a vintage wedding gown. Do you have any suggestions in that regard? Also, my fiance and I have been having some issues about grooms and ushers attire....how do we understand the options? Is it true that tuxedos should never be worn for a daytime wedding? Thanks for any suggestions.

Dear Reader,
MrMartha congratulates you on your upcoming nuptials, and wishes you a wonderful day, which will, of course, run smoothly as a result of your careful advance planning!

A vintage wedding gown is such a charming idea.....the thought of wearing mother's or grandmother's gown on your own special day is a dear and precious tradition. Often however, the realities of style and sizing -- not to mention how the gown was stored, its condition and level of fragility, can get in the way of that lovely dream. Buying a vintage gown that has no family connection can also be a solution, or be fraught with peril....

MrMartha has some good suggestions for you about gown options in the expanded post, but first some quick notes on dressing your groom.

Wedding attire in general, and especially what the groom and groomsmen wear, has gained a lot more latitude in recent years. In the strictest sense, men should never wear tuxedos before five in the afternoon, but then men should also never wear a wristwatch with a tux....so the rules are indeed tough to enforce!

Traditionally, for a formal daytime wedding, Cutaway coat with striped pants would be worn, and a dark business suit for less formal ceremony. Unless you are marrying royalty (in which case, Congratulations!!) it is unlikely that you will get the gentlemen of the wedding party to wear, what are somewhat demurely referred to, as Morning Suits. It's also likely you may see a basic business suit as not special enough for the occasion. MrMartha sees no problem with your groom and groomsmen wearing simple black tuxedos with understated shirts and basic accessories, especially for a wedding that is after, say, two o'clock, or if the reception will continue past five.

Things to stay away from -- very formal tuxes for a morning wedding (they would look like waiters at a fancy brunch) -- and sherbet colored tuxes with over the top accessories (unless the groomsmen will also be performing as a 70's cover band during the reception.)
For some really amazing information about men's formal wear -- the history, options, the rules (plus how to break them) and some really fun illustrations....check out BlackTieGuide.com.

Read More for additional information and some wonderful suggestions on Vintage Wedding Gowns and the alternatives.

The concerns with Vintage Wedding gowns are condition and fit. MrMartha understands that in general, gowns prior to 1960's vintage tend to be short waisted, tighter in the arms and shoulders, and often just too short for the modern woman's body.

Alterations can be done by a skilled seamstress, depending on the style of the dress. It is much easier to take in a dress that is too large, than to let seams out. Also, there may be visible difference in how the fabric has aged between the exposed portion of the dress and the inner seams. The evidence of the original seams themselves may be impossible to eradicate.

If it is a family gown that you have your heart set on, or a vintage dress you have already identified and fallen in love with because of its design or the lace or trims used, or if there is just a general style or era you have a fondness for, there are still options.

The best solution is likely to have a new dress made in vintage style by a good seamstress. A pattern can be taken from an existing dress, and if the dress is not a family heirloom, the original can be taken apart and the vintage lace and trims reused. Another good option is to find a design you love in a vintage sewing pattern, and have the dress made for you from that. That really gives you the best of all worlds....the vintage design (altered and adjusted as necessary for perfect fit), the ability to choose your fabric and trims (or reuse vintage lace), the security of knowledge that the dress is not overly delicate or of questionable sturdiness due to age (you don't want the arms to shred as you toss the bouquet), and the ability to have just EXACTLY the gown you want. MrMartha knows you will be a beautiful bride, whatever you choose.

A wonderful vintage pattern service, specializing in bridal and formal patterns can be found HERE.

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Some Notes on Wedd-iquette

The traditional bridal season is fast approaching... June Brides and Grooms are likely in a frenzy of activity to ensure their nuptial days are unique, meaningful, and hopefully without serious gaffe or error.

Wedding guests have a certain responsibility too, in helping make the day both memorable and effortless. Being on time for the ceremony and not over imbibing at the reception are two of the most important. Family members also have a strong duty to put aside any petty (or significant) differences and disagreements, acting in a civil and gracious manner for at least the few hours of the ceremony and reception.

MrMartha has been to a lot of weddings over the years. Some were breathtaking and elaborate, with every last detail thought out, and every contingency planned for. Others were more spur of the moment, or intentionally simple and casual, but equally as magical as the big fairy tale productions. The wonderful weddings seem to meld together in MrMartha's brain, into a lovely tulle trimmed haze of sweet memories.

Some details do stand out over time. What is recalled somewhat depends on how well one knows the couple, but usually guests take away a more general sense of the day -- so brides, and mother's-of-the-brides, need to remember that if the printed organdy tablecloth overlays don't get made, or the wedding cake is not iced in exactly the right shade.... there is no cause for meltdown. Nobody will really know but you, and certainly no guest will recall something like that after the fact, so let it go, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

While the wonderful weddings may blend together to some extent, the dismaying weddings, where something awful or unfortunate happened, tend to stay crisply etched in ones memory. MrMartha will spare readers the more lurid details of the worst from his own personal recollections, though a few avoidable moments from otherwise lovely events will be noted as examples.

The bride who's mother stepped in and covered the bridal gown bodice with a large and not particularly new bath towel just before the traditional feeding of the cake -- stating loudly to the reception crowd "The groom is a slob, the cake is chocolate, I won't let this dress be ruined by crumbs and smears!!"

A wedding in LA, where a pale out of town bridesmaid thought she would get a little sun the day before the ceremony, and had to walk down the aisle with her skin sunburned to the exact same bright cerise red tone as her bridesmaid gown....it was painful just to watch her walk. The bride was likely lovely, but MrMartha has no recollection beyond the dayglo bridesmaid.

One final, and strongly personal pet peeve of MrMartha's -- obtrusive photographers and videographers. Yes, every bride wants gorgeous photos of her special day, but it is not a reality television show, or a documentary for PBS. Paparzzi style audacity and cheek can really mess up a beautiful event. There are some weddings MrMartha would love to recall the details of, but all that comes to mind are memories of meddlesome and impertinent cameras. The photographer should not be stalking the ceremony like a guerilla in a war zone, and should not be dressed in a garish or inappropriate way. Make sure this is clearly understood with those documenting the ceremony, before it is too late to head it off!

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